Someone New?

I was in 5th grade when my younger brother was in the 2nd grade. That's when I can first remember thinking that I have learn how to do things for myself. It was becoming very apparent that my brother had several learning disabilities and attention disorders. And for the rest of my brother's academic career all energy was placed into him.

I guess there could have been two ways that I dealt with this. I could have fought back and tried to out do my brother's problems so that my parents had to pay attention to me too, or I could try to be the perfect student, daughter, friend, so that my parents had one less thing to worry about. I chose the later. And I thrived off my parents praise and just knowing that I was making life easier for them was enough for me.

Don't get me wrong, I don't feel like I got slighted in the least growing up in my family. There was lots of love and support and praise. But in trying to figure out how I got to where I am now - a total people pleaser who doesn't know how please myself, I have to try to figure out where it started. While my parents and brother were constantly fighting about grades, homework, class discipline, I was locked in my room doing my homework and making sure that I didn't do anything that would create additional stress for my parents. I stayed busy with student council, dance classes, national honors society, volunteer work. And making my parents happy made me happy.

And now, as a married 27 year old, I am trying to be completely honest with myself. I have be true to myself and who I am. And hopefully my husband will still love me at the end of all this. And more importantly, that I still love him.

After a lot of crying yesterday, today is my first day in working towards this person. This life.