The Most Put Together Person.

Some days I feel really alone. All the weight in the world is literally sitting on my chest and I have to conscientiously tell myself to breath. With every deep breath in I feel temporary relief, but only to have the weight come immediately rushing back. I make myself count to ten. And then if that doesn't work then I just let myself cry. Sometimes it's a full on sob, and other times just a few stray tears. Either way, crying seems to be the only thing that naturally lifts the weight and let's me breath in regular intervals once again.

And in these times I feel that there is no one to turn to. That I am completely alone in this world. I go into my head and I stay there. I must figure this out on my own. I must not burden anyone else with my problems. They are my problems and they will stay my problems.

This is how I went through most of my life. Channeling all my emotions inside. Making people believe that I was one of the most put together people to ever reside on this Earth. Really. People have actually said those exact words to me. "Nicole, you are the most put together person I've ever known." And that makes me feel great, and, at the same time, like an anvil has just drop out of the sky and landed on my chest.

That's really heavy. And I'm not sure that I want to be the most put together person anyone has ever known.