friendships.

what makes a best friend, a best friend? Just because you've been friends with them the longest, does that make them your "best" friend, because they know you the longest? But what about the friend that you've known for a year that you seem to click with better than anyone else before? Do they get to take over the spot from the person whose been there since forever?

As the best friend of someone, what are your responsibilities? Are you suppose to confront them on everything? Even if you know it's going to probably destroy the friendship, for at least a little while? I think that you're probably suppose to. But how do you do that? And what if the best friend has a significant other in there life? Are you suppose to back off and let the significant other deal with these sort of "tough" situations?

As the best friend of someone, are you suppose to respond to every message they ever send you? text, phone, emails?

What if suddenly you don't feel like you can really talk with your best friend any more? It just doesn't feel natural. You want it to, but it just doesn't. And you don't know why that is.

Happy Birthday to me.

inspiration.

I love moments of inspiration. I attended the Arts & Education Council Awards Dinner tonight, and it's the one time a year that you can find all of the most important people in the arts in St. Louis in one room. Well, most important by means of contributing money and leading the top organizations. But even then, there are still some really inspirational people amongst some of the largest contributors. As I sit there, I can't help to think that at one point in these people's lives (the awardees) they were sitting in my chair, hoping to one day make a difference. It was just the kind of inspiration that I needed to keep me motivated and remind me why I do love my job. And it also gave me motivation to keep at teaching dance to these little kids who frustrate the shit out of me, because I am their first introduction into the arts and who knows, maybe there is a Twyla Tharp in there. (who are we kidding, but still, I could make a difference for these kids) And that is enough for me to keep going. I want to make a difference for someone.

talking out loud.

I talk to myself. Especially when I drive. I think about hypothetical conversations I would have with certain people and then I talk them out loud. Is that weird? I kind of think it is. But, I find that it's really the only way to know if what you're thinking really makes sense - to say it out loud. And in these conversations with myself I always say things poetically. Or if I don't, I always get a chance to redo it. Everything comes out just like I want, and I say everything that I want to.

When I was in grade school and high school I used to practice all my public speeches and presentations out loud. I would stand in front of a mirror and practive everything, word for word. And I was really good at public speaking. Always got A's. In college I got selected to represent my class in a public speaking competition. If I'm prepared for something I can ace it. It's when I have to go off the cuff that I flub everything up. I get antsy and all the words get stuck and jumbled in my head and on the tip of tongue.

If only arguments could be practiced I would be so good.

choices.

I chose love. Some people choose career. But not me. I know that career is important, and that having something to live for, something that let's your passions feed is important. But if it came down to choosing between my career and love, I would chose love. Maybe that's because I don't have a current career that I am fully passionate about, but I don't believe it is. Because people are important. Love is important. There is nothing that would fulfill me the way that love does. And it's not that I believe that you can't have both - I do. I really do think that you can have both career and love. And be passionate about both. But I will always chose love. That is who I am. Because feeling love, giving love, there is nothing like that. There is no feeling that compares. My passion is loving. My passion is in giving love. Love is what makes me thrive.

Listen to me

People don't listen to me. They never have. Even my husband doesn't from to time. I can say something and no one will even blink an eye or acknowledge the fact that I've said something. It's the most frustrating thing ever. It makes me feel so uninteresting. I think it's part of the reason why I've become so afraid to speak up sometimes, because I know that no one is going to care what I have to say. My opinion is dull, and uninteresting, and doesn't matter in the long scheme of things. No one will ever listen to what I have to say or put any weight in it anyway, so why should I? There are times when I just want to scream "fucking listen to me!!!" The only time in my life that I can remember ever really being heard was in high school. I think that is the one time that I had friends that really appreciated what I had to say and respected my opinion. It's probably why I'm still friends with them. Well, some of them.

How do I change that? How do I make people want to listen? How do I revive my confidence to a place where I feel comfortable expressing myself?

impersonator

I've decided that I'm going to learn how to be a better impersonator. And by that I mean an impersonator at all, because right now I'm not capable of impersonating anyone. I've always been extremely jealous of anyone that is capable of successfully impersonating another human being. There are so many times that I watch someone be funny on TV and I think to myself I can totally do that - that's so easy, and then I try and I fail miserably.

My grandmother, who is nearly 90, can no longer speak. Her brain is sharp and fulling functioning, but the wires that translate what she's thinking into speaking out loud no longer work and she can't actually formulate words. You can tell it's so frustrating for her. She knows exactly what she wants to say, but yet can't actually communicate it. This is how I feel when it comes to trying to impersonate another human being. In my head I can do it perfectly, but the minute the words come out of my mouth, or I try to move the way they did, nothing translate properly I look like a complete fool. Ugh. I just want to be able to do it. Simply because it's another way to be funny and I want to be more funny. I want to laugh more. And I want to feel more comfortable with who I am. And I want to be comfortable enough to act like a fool in front of a bunch a people I don't know, and even more so, a bunch of people that I do know.

And I want them to listen to me. Maybe if I put myself out there a little more people would actually listen to me.

Peace

About four weeks ago I was forced to go on a journey. A journey that is, four weeks later, still very much in it's beginning phases. It's challenging everything that I've ever believed in. And everyone that I've ever believed in. It's been a cluster fuck of emotions. I've never been so confused in my life. I've spent many nights crying. I've spent many days crying. I've slept maybe 4 days total. I'm exhausted. Physically. Emotionally. Exhausted. My eyes hurt. My stomache churns. I eat maybe the equivalent of one meal a day. I, at times find myself paralyzed with fear. I don't want to move or even think. My back hurts. My head aches. And my heart sinks inside my chest. And for four weeks all I've wanted was a little peace. Just a few small moments when the world seems to be standing still and nothing is moving any faster, or slower, than I want it to.

Someone New?

I was in 5th grade when my younger brother was in the 2nd grade. That's when I can first remember thinking that I have learn how to do things for myself. It was becoming very apparent that my brother had several learning disabilities and attention disorders. And for the rest of my brother's academic career all energy was placed into him.

I guess there could have been two ways that I dealt with this. I could have fought back and tried to out do my brother's problems so that my parents had to pay attention to me too, or I could try to be the perfect student, daughter, friend, so that my parents had one less thing to worry about. I chose the later. And I thrived off my parents praise and just knowing that I was making life easier for them was enough for me.

Don't get me wrong, I don't feel like I got slighted in the least growing up in my family. There was lots of love and support and praise. But in trying to figure out how I got to where I am now - a total people pleaser who doesn't know how please myself, I have to try to figure out where it started. While my parents and brother were constantly fighting about grades, homework, class discipline, I was locked in my room doing my homework and making sure that I didn't do anything that would create additional stress for my parents. I stayed busy with student council, dance classes, national honors society, volunteer work. And making my parents happy made me happy.

And now, as a married 27 year old, I am trying to be completely honest with myself. I have be true to myself and who I am. And hopefully my husband will still love me at the end of all this. And more importantly, that I still love him.

After a lot of crying yesterday, today is my first day in working towards this person. This life.

The Most Put Together Person.

Some days I feel really alone. All the weight in the world is literally sitting on my chest and I have to conscientiously tell myself to breath. With every deep breath in I feel temporary relief, but only to have the weight come immediately rushing back. I make myself count to ten. And then if that doesn't work then I just let myself cry. Sometimes it's a full on sob, and other times just a few stray tears. Either way, crying seems to be the only thing that naturally lifts the weight and let's me breath in regular intervals once again.

And in these times I feel that there is no one to turn to. That I am completely alone in this world. I go into my head and I stay there. I must figure this out on my own. I must not burden anyone else with my problems. They are my problems and they will stay my problems.

This is how I went through most of my life. Channeling all my emotions inside. Making people believe that I was one of the most put together people to ever reside on this Earth. Really. People have actually said those exact words to me. "Nicole, you are the most put together person I've ever known." And that makes me feel great, and, at the same time, like an anvil has just drop out of the sky and landed on my chest.

That's really heavy. And I'm not sure that I want to be the most put together person anyone has ever known.