shifting.

Tonight felt like things shifted.

New people, new friends, are really hard to make in St. Louis. I've heard people from outside of St. Louis say this before, that St. Louis is really clicky, but I never really felt the pains of that before now. Now, when I'm trying to meet new people and start a new life for myself, I get it. St. Louis is clicky. People here for the most part are lifers. They grew up here and stay here, or they grew up here, went away to college and then came back and hang out with the same people they did in High School. That's why the #1 question that St. Louisians ask is "Where did you go to High School?"

This makes it hard to meet new people, because no one in St. Louis is really looking to meet new people. They already know a comfortable amount of people and they don't need to know anyone else. They're content and that's okay. But tonight I met a group of new people that are really great. And you know what... none of them are from St. Louis. They are all transplants of some sort.

I'm proud of myself, as a St. Louisian, that I pushed myself outside of the St. Louis stereotype and met new people. Tonight things shifted - for the better. And I feel a little hope that life is going to be okay.

bugs.

I have to figure out how to kill bugs on my own. I hate bugs. Not spiders. Spiders I can manage, for the most part. But bugs, creepy crawly bugs, I don't do. And now I have to figure out how to kill them, because there is no man here to step in and act like the big tough guy and kill the bug. If I want it dead then I have to do it myself.

Tonight I lie in bed wondering where that bug went to. The one that I didn't kill.

new home.

Moved into the new home and pretty much hate it. I know, I'm being rash. I need to give it time. But, right now, I hate it. Not as much as I hated it 5 hours ago, before my friends helped me make it feel more manageable, but I still really don't like it. I guess I just thought I would feel a deeper connection with this space. It's my first home, all on my lonesome. I should feel pride and accomplishment. Instead I feel betrayal and angst. There was a time where all I wanted was my own place. One to call my very own, decorate as I want and be responsible for everything inside. But now, as I'm being forced into this decision because of choices that others have made, I pretty much despise it. I think that's really the heart of the issue. I didn't chose this for myself. My husband made the decision that he wanted something different and I had to in-turn adjust. And because this home is not one that I chose on my own, I hate it.

But, one thing I do love. My friends. M & C earned major points today.

wiped clean.

When will it ever get easy and not awkward to hear people talk about their amazing wedding stories. Especially with a group of people you don't know and who don't know your story. The fact of the matter is, I don't have an awful wedding story - I actually have a really great one. But it's one that I don't feel like I can tell because it comes with all kinds of questions. I have an amazing story that I feel like I can't talk about. How unfair is that? How ridiculous is that? I know that I CAN tell it, but who wants to the person who turns the discussion from happy to depressing? Even if it's not my intention, as soon as someone asks me "how long have you been married?" suddenly it becomes a whole other story. One that I don't always want to have to go through.

So, being in this situation tonight, I just sit there like I've never been married. Never planned a wedding, never had a husband, don't have any stories to tell. The last 8 months to 2 years of my life just don't exist. They get wiped from past, my history.

I wanna go home.

This is not my street
This is not my house
That is not my bed
This is not my town
Another day another night
Another night another day
I wanna go home
I can’t find the way

The levee broke the water came
Went all the way up to my roof
I crawled up there and cried
What else could I could do?
Another day another night
Another night another day
I wanna go home
I can’t find the way

A boat brought me to I-10
I sat there three days, maybe four
Thousands stranded on the interstate
Every hour boats brought more
Another day another night
Another night another day
We wanna go home
We can’t find the way

With nothing but our dreams
And memories of who we’ve been
Scattered forth like seeds
At the mercy of the wind
Another day another night
Another night another day
We wanna go home
We can’t find the way

Another day another night
Another night another day
We wanna go home
We can’t find the way

~Mary Gauthier

didn't do it.

Tonight was the first night that I think I could have actually gone through with it. Laying there in the water, floating just under the surface, and everything going still and quiet. The idea was so completely comforting. Life just felt like it would stand still for a moment, an eternity, and there would be time for me catch up.

Obviously, I'm writing about it now so I didn't go through with it. But I've never been that close before. I've thought about it, but never in a way that I would go through with it. Tonight was different. Something in me was different.