playboy.

Helped a friend try to purge some baggage from her life this weekend. And in the cleaning process we came across some real gems: 1968 playboys and a journal kept by a 14 year old boy, that started with the day that Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin landed on the moon. Those finds were probably worth the hours upon hours of garbage that we dug through to find them. Plus, it helped a friend get a step closer to some closure in her life. That alone was worth the dirt, grime and hard work.

dreams.

I've got a sink full of dirty dishes and I couldn't be happier. An amazing night with new friends.

Two nights ago all I wanted to do was curl up in a hole and stay there for a week. How do you control your dreams? Is it at all possible? My dreams have been haunting my sleep again. Every time I think that I'm moving on and life is getting easier these dreams attack me in the middle of the night and remind me that I'm still struggling with some emotions.

I've got a boy that I'm flirting with, I've got amazing friends both old and new and I'm looking forward to what's to come. Why do I have these dreams?

If I confront these emotions and say the things that I say in my dreams, will that make me feel better? I have a hard time believing that it will.

new friends.

I think I have some new friends. :)

shifting.

Tonight felt like things shifted.

New people, new friends, are really hard to make in St. Louis. I've heard people from outside of St. Louis say this before, that St. Louis is really clicky, but I never really felt the pains of that before now. Now, when I'm trying to meet new people and start a new life for myself, I get it. St. Louis is clicky. People here for the most part are lifers. They grew up here and stay here, or they grew up here, went away to college and then came back and hang out with the same people they did in High School. That's why the #1 question that St. Louisians ask is "Where did you go to High School?"

This makes it hard to meet new people, because no one in St. Louis is really looking to meet new people. They already know a comfortable amount of people and they don't need to know anyone else. They're content and that's okay. But tonight I met a group of new people that are really great. And you know what... none of them are from St. Louis. They are all transplants of some sort.

I'm proud of myself, as a St. Louisian, that I pushed myself outside of the St. Louis stereotype and met new people. Tonight things shifted - for the better. And I feel a little hope that life is going to be okay.

bugs.

I have to figure out how to kill bugs on my own. I hate bugs. Not spiders. Spiders I can manage, for the most part. But bugs, creepy crawly bugs, I don't do. And now I have to figure out how to kill them, because there is no man here to step in and act like the big tough guy and kill the bug. If I want it dead then I have to do it myself.

Tonight I lie in bed wondering where that bug went to. The one that I didn't kill.

new home.

Moved into the new home and pretty much hate it. I know, I'm being rash. I need to give it time. But, right now, I hate it. Not as much as I hated it 5 hours ago, before my friends helped me make it feel more manageable, but I still really don't like it. I guess I just thought I would feel a deeper connection with this space. It's my first home, all on my lonesome. I should feel pride and accomplishment. Instead I feel betrayal and angst. There was a time where all I wanted was my own place. One to call my very own, decorate as I want and be responsible for everything inside. But now, as I'm being forced into this decision because of choices that others have made, I pretty much despise it. I think that's really the heart of the issue. I didn't chose this for myself. My husband made the decision that he wanted something different and I had to in-turn adjust. And because this home is not one that I chose on my own, I hate it.

But, one thing I do love. My friends. M & C earned major points today.

wiped clean.

When will it ever get easy and not awkward to hear people talk about their amazing wedding stories. Especially with a group of people you don't know and who don't know your story. The fact of the matter is, I don't have an awful wedding story - I actually have a really great one. But it's one that I don't feel like I can tell because it comes with all kinds of questions. I have an amazing story that I feel like I can't talk about. How unfair is that? How ridiculous is that? I know that I CAN tell it, but who wants to the person who turns the discussion from happy to depressing? Even if it's not my intention, as soon as someone asks me "how long have you been married?" suddenly it becomes a whole other story. One that I don't always want to have to go through.

So, being in this situation tonight, I just sit there like I've never been married. Never planned a wedding, never had a husband, don't have any stories to tell. The last 8 months to 2 years of my life just don't exist. They get wiped from past, my history.