redefining.

The other day, while talking to a friend, I asked her opinion on defining moments and she said:

"I believe that other people define you, and you have your own definition of who you are on top of that. And everyday you are defining yourself and who you are based on the decisions that you make in that day. And during a period of change you redefine yourself over and over until that defining moment where change occurs." (or something like that)

The part that stuck with me so much was the "other people define you." I hadn't thought about that, but I believe that to be true. By what you put out into the world people have an opinion of who you are. And over time, whether you want to or not, their opinion can weigh more than your own sometimes. And then over even more time you start to believe that their definition of you is the true definition, even if you don't feel like that is the true definition of you. And suddenly you are defined by someone else, everyone else, and you have no true definition of yourself.

Now my question is, when that happens, when you have allowed other people to define who you are, is it possible to redefine yourself? Especially amongst those people who already have their mind made up of who you are. Can you redefine yourself in their eyes, to be the true definition of who you believe you are? Can you redefine a relationship, with a friend? a lover? a family member?

Or do you have to cut yourself off and start over fresh, with new relationships? Do you have to lose everything in order to redefine your life?

defining moments.

The dictionary defines "defining moment" as a point at which the essential nature or character of a person, group, etc... is revealed or identified.

My question is, can you have more than one defining moment in your life? As you grow older and the world around you changes, and the people around you change and the way you think changes, can you have new defining moments at every change in your life? Is it in fact, a defining moment that causes that change to happen? So, could you say that every time you experience a significant change in your life that you most likely experienced a defining moment?

And what constitutes a defining moment? Does it have to be a moment that is so significant that it changes your life, or could it be as small as getting a new puppy? Do defining moments coincide with light bulbs popping over your head?

I, myself, am going through a defining moment in my life right now. And it has me wondering how many other defining moments have I gone through in my life that have lead me to this defining moment, because ultimately every moment in my life time before this one has lead me to this place. And this moment hurts. It hurts a lot. So, what other moments in my lifetime have lead me to place with such pain? How did I misinterpret those moments that came before this one?

I think for the next couple weeks I am going to do some defining moment soul searching, and try to recount all the defining moments in my life. Moments that might have somehow lead me to this moment now. So bear with me as dig up the past and try to make sense out of the future.

forts.

I just built a fort. And I'm sitting in it right now. When I was a kid I used to build all kinds of forts with my brother. They were amazing. And when I woke up from a nap I had the brilliant idea of building myself a fort. My own little place that I can escape to, all enclosed and just mine. I've struggled to find that spot in this house. The spot that is mine that I can retreat to when I want to be by myself. The spot where I can be creative and get lost in my thoughts without feeling like someone might walk in at any minute. I'm loving my fort right now. Best idea I've had in a long time.

art.

Art calms me. Or more specifically, art museums. When i'm having a moment when I just need to reset myself, I can walk into an art museum and know that it will be quiet, that no one will bother me and I can just get lost in all the hallways and my thoughts. And the art just kind of soaks me in. It embraces me, wrapping me in its arms and holding me tight. And I calm down. My breathing slows, my head clears and life seems manageable. Art doesn't imitate life. Art resets life, for those who are willing to surrender.

waiting.

Waiting sucks. I think that I'm a pretty patient person. In fact, I know that I am. But sometimes, patience seems like the farthest thing from my ability. I hate it. But somehow I always find a way to wait. ugh. blah. ew. pluck.