It's been a really long time since I've written. And a lot has happened. My brother died. My divorce is less than 30 days away from being final. My one year anniversary came and passed. I spent a weekend away with a new boy. And I still cry. A lot. And I kind of stopped writing.

After my brother died it's been really hard to get myself back into doing things for myself. I've put a lot of time into filling my schedule up with everything I possibly can - work appointments, after work functions and meetings, bible studies, dinners with friends, craft nights, TV marathons, baseball games, dinner with my family, a second job. I feel a lot of guilt for not spending time with my family, my little brother. And for not missing my other brother more. I don't think about him, hardly ever. That's just wrong. I think about my asshole husband and my messed up wedding and divorce more than I think about my dead brother. And I know that's not right. That's not normal. My therapist would say it's completely normal. I don't know how much I trust her sometimes.

And so, I stopped writing because, well, I didn't know what to write about and I don't think I wanted to see any of these thoughts on (virtual) paper. I'm lost right now. I don't know who I am or where I'm suppose to go. I know that I can't leave because my family needs me, but I don't know that I can stay here much longer. People are already starting to move on, move past the drama and except life and things as they are - messed up. I'm ready to move on too, but my heads doesn't seem to let me.

Where did I go? Where am I?

old friends.

Hung out with an old friend tonight. We've been friends since we were six or seven. We couldn't be more different, but somehow we've managed to stay great friends. She's one of those people where we can always just pick up where we left off. She's one of the few people that I feel the most comfortable to be myself with. I think we've just always respected each other for who we are, and those kind of friends are priceless.

home.

Today was the first time I think I've ever actually missed my new home. I was very ready to be home after this weekend, in my own bed and familiar with my surroundings. I guess that means that I'm starting to really think of this place as a safe haven, and I guess that is a good thing.

I'm really hoping for a better week this week. Last week sent me on a tailspin. Possible new job (in a new city), divorce papers, finding e's flash drive with all his lyrics, songs, our vows, etc... a weekend away with new friends and people I didn't know. Being on the float trip was the first time I found myself actually missing e. Up until now I didn't miss him. I've been so mad at him that missing him wasn't an option. But being in an environment, full of people in relationships, hooking up, etc... I missed him. Driving home today, I missed him. Sitting here right now writing, I miss him. I don't want to miss him. I don't want anything from him. Today's my mom's birthday and all I did was sit at the kitchen table and cry.

I did have a nice conversation with rf tonight. It would be nice to have his friendship back. I hope that we can continue talking.

long time.

"It's been a long time" came on over the speaker at work tonight. Fucking Bastards.

Just when you think things are safe. BAM.

playboy.

Helped a friend try to purge some baggage from her life this weekend. And in the cleaning process we came across some real gems: 1968 playboys and a journal kept by a 14 year old boy, that started with the day that Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin landed on the moon. Those finds were probably worth the hours upon hours of garbage that we dug through to find them. Plus, it helped a friend get a step closer to some closure in her life. That alone was worth the dirt, grime and hard work.

dreams.

I've got a sink full of dirty dishes and I couldn't be happier. An amazing night with new friends.

Two nights ago all I wanted to do was curl up in a hole and stay there for a week. How do you control your dreams? Is it at all possible? My dreams have been haunting my sleep again. Every time I think that I'm moving on and life is getting easier these dreams attack me in the middle of the night and remind me that I'm still struggling with some emotions.

I've got a boy that I'm flirting with, I've got amazing friends both old and new and I'm looking forward to what's to come. Why do I have these dreams?

If I confront these emotions and say the things that I say in my dreams, will that make me feel better? I have a hard time believing that it will.

new friends.

I think I have some new friends. :)